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THESE MOVIES SUCK...YOU ARE ADMONISHED NOT TO SPEND A SINGLE CENT ON THIS FORESAKEN PIECE OF BURNING MANURE!

They are in no specific order because they suck equally...

1. Lost Highway (David Lynch) First of all, who cast this movie? Bill Pullman, Patricia Arquette? Did they go through my "least favorite actors" book? But hey, I told myself, it is David Lynch, the man responsible for "The Elephant Man" and "Wild at Heart," maybe he can work a miracle, maybe it will be good. Well, let me tell you, I am not one to use the term "pretentious" lightly, but this THING reeks of pretentiousness. There is no story (and don't tell me there is, because there isn't, it's a jumbled up mood piece)the characters are hideous and non-sensical, the only saving grace is the music (I shoulda just borrowed the sndtrk from my big bro!) The "story" has to do with inherent evil or transcendental horror of some kind. The "plot" is so fucking boring I was reaching for the razor. Most dissapointing of all: Even though I really dislike Mr. Pullman and Ms. Arquette (maybe because she's married to Nicolas Cage, some gals have all the luck) I really felt for them, because Mr. Lynch was unrelenting in exploiting them. Pullman was nothing more than a sap, and Ms. Arquette served the all important role of sex object. Not that I'm not used to seeing that, it is just that in this case there was something more going on underneath it, something sadistic in nature, and it has made me realize that Mr. Lynch has a lot of issues with women...his is a hateful lens towards her character. I wonder whether this film was really a big joke on audiences and critics, Lynch trying to see if someone would caught on as to how absurd, ridiculous and stupid this film is...I really hope somebody did...though I doubt it was a joke.

2. Total Eclipse (Agnieszka Holland) Yes, this is it the daddy of 'em all. The first and only motion picture I've ever walked out of. Flashback: Is Ms. Holland, one of the finest directors working today going to do a film version of Arthur Rimbaud's life? Wow! That sounds intriguing...she's awesome and I love her work. Weeks later: Leo DiCaprio is going to play Rimbaud????? What??????(clearing throat) ok, maybe he'll do fine. He has potential, but he's so annoyingly boyish. Flashforward: A theater, somewhere in Pennsylvania: OK, this is bad news, damn Leo is over-acting before the damn credits are done...What, he's doing it still, it's been 15 minutes already (the longest 15 minutes of my life). Oh man, David Thewlis is overacting too! What's this world coming to??? Save me save me!!! This is horrible, can't breathe...must get out of thea-------

3. The Warriors (?) OH MY GOD! How could I forget this steaming pile of shit! OK, so my brother and I are flipping through the channels, when we suddenly see this very feminine man, wearing bellbottom jeans and a leather vest ( a brown one at that!). Thing is, he's supposed to be "scary," as in macho and viril. Oh wow, how could anyone act in this film and go on to face the world? First of all, the whole thing is camp, it's inspired (supposedly) by a Greek myth...let's just say that about as mythical as this film gets its by the end when the "bad" guy is chanting "warriors, come out and play" in the most obnoxious voice since....well, I guess ever. The plot (let me try and hide my chuckles) deals with a group of toughs named the Warriors going all through NYC via the subway system (don't ask me why) in order to get to Conney Island to face yet another gang (which I don't remember at all, probably the piranhas or the tarantulas) all of the while fighting with as many gangs as possible. Suffice to say that one of the gangs the Warriors fight wear baseball uniforms and yet another one wear roller skates (the roller skater's sequence is the funniest one actually). True, the elements of camp are there, and for the life of me, I do not understand why Pauline Kael actually praised it. Still, the movie is so fucking bad, it deserves a place in film history. BTW, there is a classic sequence where the members of the Warriors gang are seduced and then beaten by yes, you guessed it, a gang of lesbians! What a movie!